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Andy Stanley, pastor of the 30,000 member North Point Ministries, addresses a range of issues from human sexuality to pornography in his latest book, The New Rules for Love, Sex, and Dating.
While the broader culture continues to fight over what “sexual morality” means, one thing is certain: Andy Stanley is determined not to sit this one out.
As host of Your Move with Andy Stanley, which delivers over six million messages each month through television and podcasts, and author of more than 20 books, including The New Rules for Love, Sex & Dating; Ask It; How to Be Rich; Deep & Wide; Visioneering; and Next Generation Leader, he is considered one of the most influential pastors in America. I say "hopefully" because every hardcore B' and B'ette fan scans the Internet for weeks following that final episode to see who was right after all. I realize that you realize movies, reality Tv, and novels don't reflect real life. In the end it comes down to two things (actually maybe one thing, but for the sake of clarity I'll keep them separate): chemistry and attraction. But I doubt there are too many fifteen-year-olds reading this. romance overpowers objectivity, which will work to your advantage in marriage.
Andy and his wife, Sandra, have three grown children and live near Atlanta. But in the end, regardless of how many potential right candidates there are, one and only one is chosen. As of the writing of this book, it appears that five contestants chose well. I assume you don't take your relationship cues from script writers and authors. While most everybody has a mental list of what makes the right person the right person, most people abandon their lists for physical attraction and chemistry. While instant chemistry is common, instant chemistry that dovetails into an instantly healthy relationship with until-death-do-us-part potential is not. But before marriage, a lack of objectivity is dangerous.
Focalism, along with a short list of other cognitive biases, has the potential to trick us into making bad decisions. Perhaps it's why you capitulated and bought a book about something you always assumed you could figure out on your own. Not least of which is that one of the most morally vulnerable times in the life of a man is when his wife or girlfriend is pregnant. As I mentioned in the introduction, more is what this book is all about. On a personal note, it's why I love going home at the end of the day. Attraction Matters Before we explore more, let's think together for just a paragraph or two about what makes a right person a right person. Online dating services wouldn't work if people didn't have lists. Since the title of this book promises SEX, I thought we should introduce the topic in this first chapter. as long as you promise to come back and read the first seven chapters. I'm sexually compatible with a million other people. I know, sounds like something your momma would say.
That potential increases dramatically in emotionally charged environments. If that's the case, bear with me as I address my readers who have yet to find themselves in a relationship that promised much but delivered little. Dumb Married Tricks As attraction and chemistry wane, it's not uncommon for somebody to suggest having a baby. If you've never been married, you're thinking, Why would anyone bring a baby into a relationship that's already on life support? If you're married, or were married, you may be wondering why you didn't ask yourself that very question. This is true in healthy relationships, but the temptation is compounded when things aren't going well. Children should be a welcomed addition to a healthy family unit. Problem is, we don't hear much about the more side of the relational equation. There are a number of factors, among them beauty, talent, confidence, intelligence, depth, wit, family, wealth, weight, height, career, and personality. But at the end of the day, our lists are not the deciding factors, are they? But as I'm fond of saying, falling in love is easy; it requires a pulse. When a relationship feels right, it's a powerful thing. It's no wonder that the righter a relationship feels, the quicker we are tempted to take things further. Not only is sex not the litmus test for relational compatibility, it actually inhibits and distracts from relational development. Because sex has the capacity to camouflage an endless list of relational deficiencies and dysfunctions.
We're usually able to spot 'em three or four scenes into a movie or a half-dozen chapters into a novel. That assumption being: there's a right person for you, and once you find your right person, everything will be all right. The myth isn't, There's a right person for you out there somewhere. The myth is that once you find the right person, everything will be all right. Every man and woman who have navigated the pain and complexity of divorce stood in front of a preacher, priest, or justice of the peace and made vows to the right person. But eventually they discovered something wrong with Mr. When it feels right, it's easy to assume it is right. This explains why we've heard people say, "The first time we met, I knew we would be together." Somehow they just knew. Men and women exaggerate the good and turn a blind eye to the things that would normally give them pause. You will be sexually compatible with the right person. To test the potential possibility of a long-term relationship via sex is a bit like choosing a university because it looks like a university. If you allow attraction and chemistry to sweep you immediately into sexual involvement, you will most likely confuse sexual compatibility for something it isn't. The fact that you can't keep your hands off of her ...
Both parties begin looking for ways to return things to their former state. After all, that's what fueled things in the beginning. My hunch is you're smart enough to know why that's a myth. Once a couple is physically involved, they overlook and ignore characteristics and habits that would otherwise cause them to mark someone off their lists. For years researchers have studied the brain's response to a variety of external stimuli, including specific appetites. They're thinking happily ever after and you're wondering if it's too late to say something. But sexual compatibility doesn't make someone right. That arranged marriage approach would work just about 100 percent of the time. the fact that you can't wait for him to get his hands on you ...
Focalism is the brain's tendency to magnify one thing to the exclusion of everything else. Once the sizzle subsides, somebody is going to wake up and wonder how he or she got into this mess. Makes you wonder if this right person phenomenon is nature's way of ensuring the human race survives even if relationships don't. Give up or soldier on in a lifeless, passionless relationship.
Now, if you can relate to the previous three paragraphs and you're wondering why you weren't smart enough to recognize what was happening when it was happening, I have a bit of encouraging news. Along the way they discovered a cognitive bias someone labeled focalism. You know intuitively that they're as happy as they'll ever be. is not a sign of anything other than you are two healthy people who have stumbled across one of the many other healthy people in the world with whom you are sexually compatible.
Focalism is the brain's tendency to magnify one thing to the exclusion of everything else. Once the sizzle subsides, somebody is going to wake up and wonder how he or she got into this mess. Makes you wonder if this right person phenomenon is nature's way of ensuring the human race survives even if relationships don't. Give up or soldier on in a lifeless, passionless relationship. While adding a dose of physical involvement into the mix makes a relationship more exciting and enjoyable, it also makes it more complicated. Did it have anything to do with sexual incompatibility?
Communicator, author, and pastor Andy Stanley founded Atlanta-based North Point Ministries in 1995. As I mentioned in the introduction, more is what this book is all about. On a personal note, it's why I love going home at the end of the day. Attraction Matters Before we explore more, let's think together for just a paragraph or two about what makes a right person a right person. Online dating services wouldn't work if people didn't have lists. Since the title of this book promises SEX, I thought we should introduce the topic in this first chapter. as long as you promise to come back and read the first seven chapters. I'm sexually compatible with a million other people. I know, sounds like something your momma would say.